Editing Bloody Mary (section)

==Story==

===Description===
The boys all attend karate lessons -- where they're taught about the art of "disaprin" from their Japanese instructor -- while Stan's dad proceeds to get totally hammered at the bar next door.  He then picks the boys up, double-fisting beers, and winds up getting pulled over for drunk driving.  

After a night in jail, he's forced to talk to school kids (including [[Stan]]'s class) about the dangers of drunk driving.  More importantly, he's forced to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, where he learns that alcoholism is a "disease."  

Burdened with the notion that he cannot be healed from this deadly disease without the help of a higher power, he wallows in his drunken sadness, drinking more than ever and even shaving his head.  Stan begs his father to get a grip, but Randy, now wheelchair-bound, sees no way out.  He needs a miracle.    

Meanwhile, a statue of the Virgin Mary in the courtyard of a nearby church has started to bleed out its ass.  Soon, the faithful flock to see the "miracle," hoping that the sacred discharge can cure their various illnesses. Stan's dad, now well into a multi-day drinking bender, sees a news report about the statue and is sure the statue is the answer to all his problems. Since he no longer has a license (and is also very drunk), he has Stan drive him.

Once there, he cuts to the front of the massive line of the infirm, reasoning that his alcoholism is worse than anything from which they suffer. He's rewarded with a face full of healing blood from the statue. After which he wipes his eyes and mouth and announces that he's "cured."  For five days he stays clean and sober.

He's celebrating his God-given sobriety with the other AA members at Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch when a news report announces that the Pope has personally examined the statue and determined that, in fact, it isn't a miracle. The blood, the Pope announces, is from the statue's vagina -- not it's anus. And since "chicks bleed from their vaginas all the time," it's no big deal.

Stan's dad -- along with every other recovering alcoholic in the restaurant -- realizes that a Higher Power didn't intervene to help him, and they all immediately start pounding booze again.  But Stan points out to his father that, if God didn't make him swear off the sauce, he must have found the strength to do it himself.  

Stan says that he should learn to drink in moderation -- with "disaprin" -- as this is better than either total abstinence or total inebriation.  His father finally gets it, and decides to listen to his son.  The two walk off together to watch a football game at a friend's house and pound a couple (but only a couple) of brews.

===What I Learned Today===
"If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and you've never learned any discipline at all."

===Memorable Quotes===
* "No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue for a pint of vodka for this cowboy!" [[Bill Denkins]]
* "The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed . . . out its ass." [[TV Reporter]]
* "They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing powers." [[Stan's dad]]
* "You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter!" (Guy in line to see the statue)
* "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time." [[Pope Benedict XVI]]
* "There's a reason God made our penises like little hoses, boys."  [[Randy]]
* "If you don't make the right choices in life, you could end up being a big loser, just like Stan's dad."  [[Ms. Garrison]]
* "You need to know something you have a DISEASE." (Michael, the AA Leader)
* "Boy this lemonade is great!  Who knew how fun being sober could be?!"  [[Randy]]
* "Disaprin come from within." [[Stan]]