Editing Christian Rock Hard (section) Warning: You are not logged in. Your IP address will be publicly visible if you make any edits. If you log in or create an account, your edits will be attributed to your username, along with other benefits.Anti-spam check. Do not fill this in!==Story== ===Description=== The boys garage band Moop hits a creative wall -- they can't seem to find their musical direction. Cartman suggests they form a Christian rock band (so they can get rich). The boys kick him out of the band. Pissed, he bets Kyle that his Christian band can make a platinum album first. Cartman then enlists Tolkien to play bass (even though he's never touched one in his life) and Butters to play drums. They call their band Faith +1. Meanwhile, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny download songs off the internet to find a sound for their group. They're immediately arrested by the FBI for music piracy and given a crash course in the "evils" of free downloading. They become so violently opposed to the process that their band goes on strike until free downloading stops. Cartman, on the other hand, busily writes songs for his Christian band. By simply replacing words like "baby" and "darling" with "Jesus," he masters the craft of Christian songwriting. Soon his group is signed by a major record label and becomes a huge success. Meanwhile, Metallica hears about Moop's refusal to play and joins them -- along with a host of other big-name acts. As the strike drags on, Kyle gets a letter from Cartman informing him that Faith + 1's album has officially gone platinum. Kyle realizes he's been so busy trying to protect his music that he neglected to create any. He and Stan announce that their group is about art rather than cash and that they're abandoning the strike. The other big-name artists, who are just in it for the money, decline to follow suit. Kyle has no choice but to admit Cartman won the bet and pay him $10. The next day, Cartman hosts a lavish award ceremony to honor Faith +1. In front of the entire town, however, Cartman learns that the Christian Recording Industry hands out "myrrh" albums to million-selling artists, not platinum. On this technicality, Kyle refuses to pay up. Cartman goes berserk, smashes his award, and shouts " F*** Jesus!" -- ending his Christian rock career on the spot. Tolkien beats him up and then Butters farts on his head and flips him off. ===What I Learned Today=== "People are always gonna find a way to copy our music and swap it for free. If we're real musicians, then we should just play and be stoked that so many people are listening." ===Memorable Quotes=== * "Tolkien, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass." [[Cartman]] * "I'm going to kill you one day, Tolkien." [[Cartman]] * "I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!" [[Cartman]] * "We're just about the money." [[Britney Spears]] * "Relax and enjoy, black asshole." [[Cartman]] * "First one to have a platinum album wins. GO!" [[Cartman]] * "Haven't you guys ever seen an album cover? You're supposed to be standing in random places, looking away like you don't care!" [[Cartman]] * "Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off." [[Cartman]] * "I want to walk hand in hand with Jesus on a private beach for two. I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you'." Lyrics to Faith +1 song * "PS - Nya nya nya nya nyaa nya, ha ha ha ha haaa ha." [[Cartman]]'s letter to Kyle * "This is the worst day of my life." [[Kyle]] * "This is the best day of my life." [[Cartman]] Summary: Please note that all contributions to South Park Wiki may be edited, altered, or removed by other contributors. If you do not want your writing to be edited mercilessly, then do not submit it here. You are also promising us that you wrote this yourself, or copied it from a public domain or similar free resource (see South Park Wiki:Copyrights for details). Do not submit copyrighted work without permission! Cancel Editing help (opens in new window)