Editing The Red Badge of Gayness (section)

==Story==

===Description===
As South Park prepares for its annual reenactment of the Battle of Tamarack Hill, friction builds between Cartman, Stan and Kyle. On the day of the reenactment, Cartman arrives dressed as Confederate commander Robert E. Lee. He bets Stan and Kyle (who fight on the Union side) that the South will win the war. If he's right, they have to be his slaves for a month. If he's wrong, he's their slave.

As the day goes on, the Confederate reenactors become progressively more drunk on the event's alcohol sponsor, Jagermen's S'More Flavored Schnapps. Cartman convinces them to beat the Union reenactors for real, which they do.

At the party after the battle, everyone gets drunk on schnapps. Soon Cartman convinces them to start a rampage across North America, capturing city after city -- in spite of the fact that they're only armed with blanks. Kyle and Stan briefly stop the rampage by stealing the alcohol supply, but Cartman manages to secure more. Soon everyone is drunk again and the onslaught continues.

The reenactment troops take Washington, D.C. and force President Bill Clinton to allow the South to form its own nation, effectively "winning" the Civil War. But at the last moment Kyle and Stan, dressed as Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis, reenact the real surrender of the South. The army of drunken pretend soldiers promptly go away.

It seems that Kyle and Stan can now use Cartman as their slave for a month. However, Cartman cleverly points out that since the North still won, slavery is abolished so they have no claim on him. Disappointed, Stan and Kyle blame and insult Bill Clinton.

===What I Learned Today===
"You've learned that you can't rewrite history. You see, history is forever and everything happens for a reason. Sure, you can try and change the past, but usually you kno--"

Cartman ignores Kyle's speech by walking away to procure more schnapps for his army and continue his campaign to rewrite history.

===Memorable Quotes===
* "You can't just hit a drum. You have to beat the shit out of it." ([[Eric Cartman]])
* "I say we take Topeka!" ([[Eric Cartman]])
* "Not now Stan, I'm pillaging." ([[Randy Marsh]])
* "Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?" ([[Bill Clinton]])
* "Screw you guys, home."  ([[Eric Cartman]])
* "Come, Kenny.  Come fight for us and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and womens."  ([[Eric Cartman]])
* "Confederate messenger Butters reporting, sir."  ([[Butters Stotch]])
* "Dear guys Words cannot express how much I hate you guys."  ([[Eric Cartman]])
* "Get me more S'more Schnapps, I'm gonna be sick!" ([[Jimbo Kern]])